Because it is SUPER late and I have been really avoiding writing this I am just going to post what I wrote last night and this morning in my phone.
I will probably come back and edit/add to this at some point.
Just know this has been my worst day of this decision so far! I was sorely tempted to lookup porn and give in. My emotions have been all over the place because of a conversation my wife and I had last night that threw me for a loop.
They day progressed, I held my ground on my decision, and my wife pulled through for me. I know – I am trying not to rely on her physical affection – but I am still weak and learning. There were a couple of miracles I received from her though. That will be at the bottom of this post.
“Last night we had a fairly frank discussion about sex and our struggles. I felt okay as we broached the subject but my emotions took a downturn. I am struggling with staying positive and determined to matter this right now. I am doing fine though. I am not wanting to seek out porn or masturbate. That temptation is gone at the moment. What I do want is sex! I want the security it provides me. I want to have that intimacy with the woman I love. I’m really feeling the need right now. BUT as we were speaking about things it was reconfirmed that she just doesn’t like sex and had no online if ever wanting sex. As we talked about possibly scheduling sex to transition it if this period she stated that she was worried about it. What if she really wasn’t in the mood? It couldn’t be something we just jump into. It would have to have some kind of activity or something to lead up to it because she can’t just have sex. I know this is supposed to be about me focusing on mastering myself and not every expecting her to change but that was still tough to hear. She does not foresee it ever being easy to give to me something I strongly desire. I explained how my reaction to our sex life feels similar to how someone who experiences food scarcity feels. She said it was a good analogy but I still feel like she had no idea how important this is to me. Which is another reason I need to do this. I need to make it not important to me. If nothing is going to change (and that’s what I am planning on) then I need to change.
We also talked about how all the normal advice just doesn’t work for us. It has created deeper ruts we fall into and caused more feelings of failure. All the intimacy books, articles, and videos out there focus on making sex and intimacy a two way street. They assume both partners have some level of desire and willingness. Well, wife has no desire. She is barely even willing. So when I try to do the things a husband should do to help it fails and I feel rejected and like a failure. Even though I haven’t seen a great deal of effort out of her to change our accommodate me she said she had and feels like a failure. So what do you do when someone really has no desire for sex and no hope of getting any? I DON’T KNOW! That’s what I am trying to figure it. Hopefully this sex fast can get me there. To a point K don’t want or need it.
Right now I am feeling so lost. I actually do really want to cry. I want to fill feel the pain and let it out. I kinda want my wife to see me crying to see my vulnerability. To catch a glimpse of what it means to me.”
That was written last night.
Here is this morning –
“This morning I was a bit on edge. Last night’s talk actually did upset me and got me feeling hopeless again. Apparently I still have a lot of work to do. It was to the point that I was severely tempted to lookup porn. How in the heck is that actually something I turn to for comfort. I DIDN’T! Hallelujah. Though I should immersed myself in God through prayer and scripture I just said no and said a quick prayer in my heart. I went to my self-reliance class and it was good. When I got back I wanted to talk to my wife about what I was feeling but was unsure of how. I didn’t want her to be worried about ever being open like we were. I planned on talking to her on the drive to my parents for Easter. We went to the egg hunt with the ward then came back home. We were going to park the cars, get dressed, then go. It turned into – let’s clean the house first, then let’s take care of the garbage pile in back, then let’s get all the junk around, then let’s take up the leaves and put them in their too. I didn’t feel appreciated and felt like she thought I was unreasonable when I put my foot down at the leaves. Feeling unappreciated and like my expectations were dashed compounded on how ai was already feeling. We had a quick discussion that just turned into emotions and defensiveness. I wanted to cry again as we were driving to my parents. I was yearnjng for a healing connection. I was about to ask Jessica to hold my hand but she reached out at that moment and took my hand! It was honestly a miracle. I held to her so tightly she mentioned I was hurting her. I still didn’t say much but I really needed that.”