Sex Fast – The Miracle Makeout

Day 11/12
Porn: 0/0
Masturbation: 0/0
Sex: 0/0

Because it is SUPER late and I have been really avoiding writing this I am just going to post what I wrote last night and this morning in my phone.

I will probably come back and edit/add to this at some point.

Just know this has been my worst day of this decision so far! I was sorely tempted to lookup porn and give in. My emotions have been all over the place because of a conversation my wife and I had last night that threw me for a loop.

They day progressed, I held my ground on my decision, and my wife pulled through for me. I know – I am trying not to rely on her physical affection – but I am still weak and learning. There were a couple of miracles I received from her though. That will be at the bottom of this post.

“Last night we had a fairly frank discussion about sex and our struggles. I felt okay as we broached the subject but my emotions took a downturn. I am struggling with staying positive and determined to matter this right now. I am doing fine though. I am not wanting to seek out porn or masturbate. That temptation is gone at the moment. What I do want is sex! I want the security it provides me. I want to have that intimacy with the woman I love. I’m really feeling the need right now. BUT as we were speaking about things it was reconfirmed that she just doesn’t like sex and had no online if ever wanting sex. As we talked about possibly scheduling sex to transition it if this period she stated that she was worried about it. What if she really wasn’t in the mood? It couldn’t be something we just jump into. It would have to have some kind of activity or something to lead up to it because she can’t just have sex. I know this is supposed to be about me focusing on mastering myself and not every expecting her to change but that was still tough to hear. She does not foresee it ever being easy to give to me something I strongly desire. I explained how my reaction to our sex life feels similar to how someone who experiences food scarcity feels. She said it was a good analogy but I still feel like she had no idea how important this is to me. Which is another reason I need to do this. I need to make it not important to me. If nothing is going to change (and that’s what I am planning on) then I need to change.

We also talked about how all the normal advice just doesn’t work for us. It has created deeper ruts we fall into and caused more feelings of failure. All the intimacy books, articles, and videos out there focus on making sex and intimacy a two way street. They assume both partners have some level of desire and willingness. Well, wife has no desire. She is barely even willing. So when I try to do the things a husband should do to help it fails and I feel rejected and like a failure. Even though I haven’t seen a great deal of effort out of her to change our accommodate me she said she had and feels like a failure. So what do you do when someone really has no desire for sex and no hope of getting any? I DON’T KNOW! That’s what I am trying to figure it. Hopefully this sex fast can get me there. To a point K don’t want or need it.

Right now I am feeling so lost. I actually do really want to cry. I want to fill feel the pain and let it out. I kinda want my wife to see me crying to see my vulnerability. To catch a glimpse of what it means to me.”

That was written last night.

Here is this morning –

“This morning I was a bit on edge. Last night’s talk actually did upset me and got me feeling hopeless again. Apparently I still have a lot of work to do. It was to the point that I was severely tempted to lookup porn. How in the heck is that actually something I turn to for comfort. I DIDN’T! Hallelujah. Though I should immersed myself in God through prayer and scripture I just said no and said a quick prayer in my heart. I went to my self-reliance class and it was good. When I got back I wanted to talk to my wife about what I was feeling but was unsure of how. I didn’t want her to be worried about ever being open like we were. I planned on talking to her on the drive to my parents for Easter. We went to the egg hunt with the ward then came back home. We were going to park the cars, get dressed, then go. It turned into – let’s clean the house first, then let’s take care of the garbage pile in back, then let’s get all the junk around, then let’s take up the leaves and put them in their too. I didn’t feel appreciated and felt like she thought I was unreasonable when I put my foot down at the leaves. Feeling unappreciated and like my expectations were dashed compounded on how ai was already feeling. We had a quick discussion that just turned into emotions and defensiveness. I wanted to cry again as we were driving to my parents. I was yearnjng for a healing connection. I was about to ask Jessica to hold my hand but she reached out at that moment and took my hand! It was honestly a miracle. I held to her so tightly she mentioned I was hurting her. I still didn’t say much but I really needed that.”

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Sex Fast – Pornography is Selfish

Day 9 & 10

Porn: 0 & 0
Masturbation: 0 & 0
Sex: 0 & 0

I don’t really have much to report for these couple of days. It’s been life as we know it around here.

No new insights

No special conversation

No particular temptations

Just normal life …… which has been kind of nice. Going on a sex fast is not as dramatic as it sounds. Haha. Contrary to what we are often led to believe, a fulfilling and enriched life has no determination on how much we gratify our sexual desires. Life can be just as vibrant and amazing without sex as it can be with sex.

Being a lifelong virgin does not have to be a torturous and tragic thing. If it is then I would venture a guess you are like me and have a P R E T T Y unhealthy and destructive view on sexuality. There is so much more to life and love than physical intimacy. That statement is kind of a weird one to make right now. I believe it deep in my soul but it still pains me to say it. I DON’T WANT TO ADMIT I AM OKAY WITHOUT SEX! But I need to accept that I am okay without it and I can still be overcome with joy and meaning.

I say all this now – when it’s only been a few weeks without sex (I went without sex for a bit before I made this decision and started blogging). Let’s see what I am thinking in a few months. Possibly in a year or more. Maybe by then I will be this shriveled up mess because I have starved myself of releasing my sexuality. Who knows?

Now, a note on why I am also tracking pornography and masturbation. I think I have already mentioned it a bit but I wanted to make sure it was clear.

Yeah, I have had a pornography addiction. Frankly I still feel I am addicted. I have gone through periods of being clean then jumping right back in. These last few months I have been strong and been able to stay away from it. This time actually does feel different. I am not refraining because of how guilty and depressed I feel. That’s my normal motivation. This time I am doing it out of love and a sense of purpose. There is almost a sense of elation and joy!

I feel more control over my heart and mind. Like I am in charge of how they will be molded and refined. Instead of just putting up barriers to stop the buffeting they receive from the constant strain of temptation.

That may be a weird analogy but I am big on just letting what comes out of mind out onto the page. If I tried to filter what I say I would never get anything written! It would take way too long

ANYWAY! – My point is I feel stronger, more hopeful, and more in control this time. I have definitely still had temptations (especially in the last couple of days for some reason) to look up pornography. BUT I HAVEN’T! Even thought the opportunity was there and I could easily have done so without anyone knowing – I truly didn’t want to. So I didn’t. My deeper desires shoved aside my shallow flesh.

The power porn has had over me has been VERY influential in how I view sexuality and sex. I have actually always been repulsed by the violent and hardcore stuff. By the so called “kinky” material. So that hasn’t been a problematic influence on me. What has been a problem is what loving, physical intimacy really is.

I have so many expectations of what great sex and intimacy looks like that I have not been satisfied with what my wife can provide. The intensity and frequency of the sexual encounters I would view just don’t match normal life. Hot and steamy sex at the drop of a hat is not how it usually happens but that is what I wanted. So even when we had sex my pornography use got in the way of being completely intimate and satisfied with my wife.

I have many years of porn to unravel in my brain. This probably won’t be something I can just reset in a few months but I can get a pretty good start.

Tracking how I do with not viewing pornography is an integral part to my purposes. Those purposes being to gain a healthy relationship with sexuality and become more focused on my wife’s needs while being totally selfless with my own.

Much like masturbation pornography is completely selfish. I view it to only fulfill my base desires. Not to actually help or serve anyone else.

It’s time for bed. I will talk about masturbation tomorrow.

I was about to say sorry for the candor but then I realized I am not sorry. This is good for me to open up like this and you can stop reading anytime you want. You are reading a blog titled “Sex Fast” that leads with the words “Porn, Masturbation, and Sex” for heavens sake!


Sex Fast – Making Out

DAY 7 & 8
Porn: 0 & 0
Masturbation: 0 & 0
Sex: 0 & 0

Day 7 was a day of travel. So it really was an easy day. Well… I guess it wasn’t just traveling. We spend the first part of the day playing some pool, doing VR, and going out for ice cream with the family. Just a good ol’ day of family fun and relationship building. That’s what this is about. Building deeper relationships and creating more intimate and meaningful connections.

Then we drove home and it was super late. Yet another night of ruined rules. HA! Oh well, it’s working out so far. Now I am back home and to normal life. So here I am sticking to my schedule. It’s 9:30 PM and I am writing in bed, the wife is doing her thing.

Honestly, today I need to stick to a good schedule. TMI warning guys!
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My wife and I kissed a great deal more than we have in the recent and semi-distant past. It’s been great! Though it definitely gave me a greater desire for sex. Which kinda makes it a bit harder to NOT have sex.

But guess what!? I am in a great mood. My hopes have not gotten up so that can’t be dashed. All because I have taken control and have made the decision, of my own accord, to not have sex. It helps to go to bed before my wife though. My desire would have been even greater laying beside her with nothing else to do but fall asleep.

Turns out this decision of mine is working.

My mood is great, physical intimacy is still there, and my wife actually enjoyed it.

We had a talk tonight and she said she actually enjoyed our kisses. Our making out. Because she knew there would be no sex and would not expect more tonight she could make the decision to let go and just enjoy the moments. Yes, she actually had to consciously decide to keep kissing me. It wasn’t a natural thing. She had to work past the habits and barriers my behavior and lack of emotional control had helped to put in place.

Sounds like we need to be more physical with each other. More kissing, more cuddling, more tender touches… that don’t lead to sex. I need to have a healthy relationship with this type of physicality and my wife needs to be secure and confident in my self-control. Setting up boundaries ahead of time will allow us to work past our issues and practice creating new habits and levels of intimacy.

Hopefully that makes sense. It’s getting late and I am trying to rush so I can actually go to sleep. Here’s to a new day.

Sex Fast – This was a tough day

DAY 6
Sex: 0
Porn: 0
Masturbation: 0

I wanted sex pretty badly today. There…. it’s out there… now we can address it.

We have been out of town the last few days so life has definitely been out of the ordinary. It will be interesting to get into a normal rhythm and see how things shake out. So you know about my rules and you know I have broken pretty much all of them every night this week. Here I am breaking them again. Except for the big 3! Still have not given in to porn, masturbation, or trying for sex.

Today was a tough day because I was slipping back into my victim mode and feeling like I couldn’t connect with my wife. It’s interesting that it was this that made me want to have sex even more. It seems I have been using sex and physical intimacy to make up for feeling confident and connected in my marriage. The previous days, where life has been pretty good and our relationship has been just fine, I had no problems with choosing not to pursue sex. Today, when I felt barriers in the marriage, I really struggled controlling my physical desires for intimacy.

I am not really sure how it started but there are several poignant memories today where I really struggled to control my downward spiral. I was trying to create conversation with my wife and understand some things she was going through. She stated she didn’t know to a couple of questions I asked her and I kept pursuing the discussion with other questions to clarify what she didn’t know. She got upset and snapped at me. I shut up and shut off. A few minutes later I tried something else. Not sure what the discussion was but she again snapped at me. I again shut down.

From that point on my thoughts kept going to recent and past instances where I perceived her to be selfish and not aware of and/or considerate of me or others around her. BAD NEWS BEARS!! Those thoughts are so destructive!

That train can only barrel toward a wreck if you don’t slow it down and reroute it. So I tried to very purposefully list the positive things about her and why I truly love her most of all. It was slow going but I was able to get out of my funk. Though my physical desires for her still powerfully linger.

This is certainly going to be a tough go but so worth it. I can see the changes this has and will bring to me and our relationship. At some point I hope we can rekindle physical intimacy and sex as a celebration of our relationship but as I said before – I am learning to be okay if the marriage turns out to be celibate. For now I need to get away from using sex as a band-aid and comfort for when I am low.

See you all tomorrow.

Sex Fast – Wife found out about this blog

DAY 5
Porn: 0
Masturbation: 0
Sex: 0

Honestly, not much to report today. There were no temptations and not even real desire or opportunity for sex.

We went to a firework show with several of our siblings that took the whole day. Then we got back super late. Which means I broke more of my rules but it’s fine. It is late enough and we are tired enough that there will be no temptation tonight.

Now to the interesting stuff.

Last night I finished my post then got on to catch up on some news. I saw the new Star Wars trailer!!!! I just had to show my wife. After we watched it I closed that tab and the tab with my last post was up. SECRETS OUT!! haha. That didn’t take long.

She was a little weirded out by it but it was fine. More than anything she just wanted to know what I had written and how things were going for me. So we had a good discussion.

She now knows I am not just approaching this as a sex fast but more as an endeavor to fulfill her needs and serve her. No, that doesn’t mean I am a “beta male” or whatever you want to label it as. It means I am improving in my own confidence and ability to provide for my wife and kids.

Several times in the last few days my wife kinda shut down and became fairly snappy.Usually I would go into defensive mode and think selfishly. I would take it all on me and turn it into me being the victim – instead of empathizing with and supporting my wife. Her moodiness would turn into my moodiness and then I would selfishly make things worse. This week has been different.

I found myself slipping into my old thought patterns but got out of it quickly. Making this very real and concrete decision to put aside my powerful wants and focus solely on hers has had great effect. My thoughts went to how to help her and it made all the difference. I was actually cheery and was able to take care of dinner while also playing with the kids. On top of doing that I actually felt more generosity and love toward her! Weird.

On the down side I think have decided this needs to be longer than a month. Right now feels like the honeymoon phase. It’s exciting and new. I feel better and am riding this wave that is probably going to crash. When it crashes I may become resentful and REALLY want to have sex again but that is going to put me back to where I was. I think 90 days or so will be enough to prove I can do this long term and prove to her and myself that I really am changing.

So, we shall see what happens this month. I think I am setting in for the long haul though. In fact – I have decided I need to get to the point that I am okay with a celibate marriage. Not because that’s what I want or what SHOULD happen but because that’s what needs to happen to be completely selfless and have complete control over my emotions and my bodily appetites.

See you tomorrow!

Sex Fast – Update’s 2,3, and 4

Day 2
Porn: 0
Masturbation: 0
Sex: 0

Day 3
Porn: 1/2
Masturbation: 0
Sex: 0

Day 4
Porn: 0
Masturbation: 0
Sex: 0

I had every intention of staying up on this blog everyday. Guess what!?

I definitely broke my promise. That seems to be a pretty common occurrence in my life. Though I am getting better at it. I am more trustworthy than before and have learned what kind of promises to make and how to keep them.

Anyway, the point is I had things come up and now I am behind on the updates. I had a really great update written for day two but it was DELETED instead of saved!!! GAHH!!!

Day 2 was interesting since it actually broke several of my rules to follow through with the no sex commitment. My rules are as follows:

1. Go to bed before my wife (9:30PM)
2. Wake up before my wife (5:30AM)
3. Exercise right after waking up
4. Keep a consistent morning and night routine
5. Limit cuddling with wife (at least at the beginning)

I broke 3 of these rules on day 2 which made following the other 2 more difficult. The thing is… my wife has been stressed out and asked if we could do something brainless together and watch a movie. Since my overarching purpose here is to be more focused on developing a solid relationship with my wife and meet her needs I said yes. We went to bed together, cuddled, and stayed up late. Yet I stuck to my decision and didn’t even give my self the option to hope for sex.

In a weird way it kinda made the time more intimate. I will admit to being very physically attracted to her that night though. It’s a good thing, yes?

Day 3 we had a her brother come into town in the evening and we stayed up playing games. There goes my bed time thing again. No cuddling this time.

Day 3 was also the day I realized I had a couple of photos saved on my google photos that I thought I had deleted. Yes, naughty photos. I lingered at them a little too long but I didn’t completely give in. I deleted them without searching more or starting into masturbating. So I counted it as a half a win.

Day 4 we were driving all day for a weekend trip. We got in late and I am now on the computer typing this up. No temptations in any of three categories today. But it is now late again so I am heading to bed. I expect to write a better post on Sunday. One that will explain a little better what the background of this decision is and some over all thoughts I have had in this first week.

Thanks for reading! I will answer as honestly as possible without compromising others if you have any questions.

A Sex Fast – Day 1

Healing from Pornography Addiction and Saving my Marriage.

Photo by Tyler Lastovich on Pexels.com

Day 1
Porn: 0
Masturbation: 0
Sex: 0

Introduction

I have no idea what I am doing.

I have never considered myself a writer and have become very aware of my grammatical shortcoming.

I don’t organize information and thoughts easily as I put them down on paper (or a computer screen).

BUT . . . I really want to write. I want to tell my story and have a place to let myself wander, to influence and be influenced. With that being said, do not expect masterful prose. Just read and gain some insights into who I am. You are welcome to roll your eyes, snicker, and make fun of anything I say. If you could only see how often I do it to myself! (I am chortling to myself as I reread those first few statements) Read with an open heart and now I have the best of intentions — if not always the best of results.

Hi, my name is Tyler Walker. I am a husband and father. I am a normal guy — for the most part.

– I am building a photography business after leaving Recreation Therapy. 
– I plan on going to school for an MFT degree
– I love outdoors and being active
– I also love sitting inside with a book, game, or movie

I am also someone who has struggled with Pornography.

NO SEX!

You won’t get the full story here since I am limiting how much time I am able to spend on each post. So follow along to get a more full picture.

I have spoken with my wife and I have decided to not have sex for at least a month. When I say sex I mean anything overtly sexual. We can kiss, hug, and cuddle but nothing more. I feel I am pretty co-dependent on others, especially my wife, to fulfill my emotional desire and need for intimacy. While intimacy is good and healthy and physical intimacy is absolutely appropriate within marriage, I have an unhealthy relationship with it. I am not self-sufficient emotionally. When we don’t have sex and I don’t feel like we have any physical intimacy between us I get into moods. I withdraw and become depressive. I don’t get good sleep and fall behind on my daily duties. I become selfish in our relationship and think less of my wife and kids needs and more of my own.

This is no good! A marriage is a self-less act. I should not be hurting my family this way because I have an unhealthy relationship with myself and my sexuality.

Though I have known this was an issue for a long time I have made the mistake of trying to figure out how to help my wife meet my needs better. She has almost no desire for sex and doesn’t really like being touched much, even by our kids. Most of our discussions have been centered around how to help her understand my needs and to increase her physicality and sexuality. News flash — THAT’S NOT A HEALTHY APPROACH.

If you are ever caught up in trying to change someone else to help you then there is a problem. I have known this and taught this many times. Why has it taken this long for me to realize it is what I was doing in my own marriage? GAH!

So… to take control and try something new I am putting myself on a sex fast. This is all about getting out of myself and focusing on my wife. I am removing the option of having sex so I will not be distracted from the possibility or let down when it doesn’t happen. Now I will hopefully be free to strengthen our relationship outside of the physicality. Free to find ways to serve and be intimate with my wife in ways that fulfill her needs. In short I am deciding to be the one to change and take control.

Back Story

I have been addicted to pornography with varying levels on intensity since I was 16. I am now 31. I have been able to stay away from it for periods of time but I have always gone back to it. Each time is a bit different but it almost always stems from loneliness and detachment. I crave intimacy with others and when I feel I have meaningful relationships I am more likely to be strong.

The problem is I AM TERRIBLE AT CREATING INTIMACY. So I just do it to myself. I have a terrible time opening up and showing people who I really am. I don’t put in the consistent work to foster and nurse true friendship. People might be shocked at this because I actually am very good at interacting with people and connecting with them initially. But then…. I don’t know…. I just can’t push forward.

To be continued…. I am out of my allotted time for today.